Abject Suffering

Episode 16: Road Runner's Death Valley Rally

July 31st, 2013 | 37 mins 14 secs

Kole has become unstuck in time. This is the epicenter of his primary dissonance: how can he be a 26 year old man, but appreciate Road Runner cartoons and Nick at Nite?

Episode 15: Where's Waldo?

July 17th, 2013 | 33 mins 47 secs

Saving Private Ryan started out as a Where's Waldo film adaptation. True fact. But Spielberg descended into the heart of darkness, gradually turning Martin Handford's whimsical vision into a twisted hellscape of severed limbs and broken hearts.

Episode 14: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

July 2nd, 2013 | 32 mins 21 secs

Michael Jackson put out a game where the objective is to collect as many children as possible. Don't worry, we make the obvious jokes as soon as possible. We continue the streak of Abject Suffering games about known sex offenders.

Episode 13: The Uncanny X-Men

June 19th, 2013 | 30 mins 57 secs

It's an allegory for all of mankind's struggle for equality. What if you were born different? What if everyone was afraid of you? What if you were the worst NES game Abject Suffering has played yet?

Episode 12: Spellcraft

June 5th, 2013 | 34 mins 44 secs

There aught to be a Chick Tract about Spellcraft. It tells you the reagents and processes necessary to do such awful things as Much to Stone and Return Home. What's this you say? You joust demons? I'll not hear of it.

Episode 11: Pac Man 2

May 29th, 2013 | 31 mins 53 secs

Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?

Episode 10: Wayne's World

May 15th, 2013 | 32 mins 35 secs

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night.

Episode 9: Deadly Towers

May 2nd, 2013 | 29 mins

Dick Dagger: It's more than just an incredibly predictable porn star name. It's what you kill things with in this awful game. Join us as we try and talk about anything and everything but this atrocity.

Episode 8: Jurassic Park

April 17th, 2013 | 34 mins 7 secs

Hey there, Clever Girls... are you ready to have a prepubescent crush on Laura Dern? We thought so. There really isn't a great Jurassic Park game, but the Genesis one is made of human butt.

Episode 7: Home Improvement

April 2nd, 2013 | 45 mins 6 secs

Auuegh!? What we need now is more power. Wilson is across the fence, and we should mow him down with our Binford=Taylor Hedge Trimmers, because that's the only way to the truth about what happened in my tragic head injury.

Episode 6: Shaq-Fu

March 20th, 2013 | 49 mins 11 secs

Shaq is baq, and he's on the attaq! Sucked into the Second World and tasked with saving a little Japanese boy, it's sure to be a shoq to his system. However, us qanny gamers will know how to guide him to victory against voodoo priestesses and, Carnage?

Episode 5: J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings Volume 1

March 6th, 2013 | 37 mins 13 secs

I don't remember the part of Lord of the Rings where Frodo got a sword that would turn things into skeletons... let alone, I don't think he had it in Hobbitton. But that's the least of our worries, as we try and ignore the bitchin' tunes and talk about ho

Episode Archive