Abject Suffering

Episode Archive

Episode Archive

342 episodes of Abject Suffering since the first episode, which aired on January 9th, 2013.

  • Episode 22: Friday the 13th

    October 27th, 2013  |  35 mins 49 secs

    If people don't stop having sex, then the human race is done for. The church has done all it can, but it's not enough. We must instead turn to our masked vigilante saviors to stop this sexy, sexy scourge once and for all.

  • Episode 21: Home Alone

    October 13th, 2013  |  34 mins 40 secs

    Home Alone was written by John Hughes. So were a bunch of other movies. He was a fixture, and then he just went away. Was he aware of this game? Did he conceive of the stereotyped mobsters that are in it?

  • Episode 20: Ren and Stimpy Space Cadet Adventures

    September 29th, 2013  |  37 mins 57 secs

    How can you capture something as fucking nutso as Ren and Stimpy in a game? We spend about 35 minutes figuring out that you can't do it with a monochrome spaceship where Log attacks you.

  • Episode 19: Mohawk and Headphone Jack

    August 28th, 2013  |  35 mins 22 secs

    We're somewhat convinced that Michael designed Mohawk and Headphone Jack specifically to be as unappealing as possible. Good job, Michael. You broke us.

  • Episode 18: Captain Skyhawk

    August 28th, 2013  |  32 mins 37 secs

    We don't contend with mediocrity that often. So far, the closest we got was Pac Man 2, and that doesn't really count since it's so weird. Captain Skyhawk doesn't really belong here.

  • Episode 17: Bubsy II

    August 14th, 2013  |  35 mins 57 secs

    This is the singularity that happens when 1000 bad ideas try and cram their way into a premise that isn't promising. This is our first mascot platformer... any why not live life to the hilt?

  • Episode 16: Road Runner's Death Valley Rally

    July 31st, 2013  |  37 mins 14 secs

    Kole has become unstuck in time. This is the epicenter of his primary dissonance: how can he be a 26 year old man, but appreciate Road Runner cartoons and Nick at Nite?

  • Episode 15: Where's Waldo?

    July 17th, 2013  |  33 mins 47 secs

    Saving Private Ryan started out as a Where's Waldo film adaptation. True fact. But Spielberg descended into the heart of darkness, gradually turning Martin Handford's whimsical vision into a twisted hellscape of severed limbs and broken hearts.

  • Episode 14: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

    July 2nd, 2013  |  32 mins 21 secs

    Michael Jackson put out a game where the objective is to collect as many children as possible. Don't worry, we make the obvious jokes as soon as possible. We continue the streak of Abject Suffering games about known sex offenders.

  • Episode 13: The Uncanny X-Men

    June 19th, 2013  |  30 mins 57 secs

    It's an allegory for all of mankind's struggle for equality. What if you were born different? What if everyone was afraid of you? What if you were the worst NES game Abject Suffering has played yet?

  • Episode 12: Spellcraft

    June 5th, 2013  |  34 mins 44 secs

    There aught to be a Chick Tract about Spellcraft. It tells you the reagents and processes necessary to do such awful things as Much to Stone and Return Home. What's this you say? You joust demons? I'll not hear of it.

  • Episode 11: Pac Man 2

    May 29th, 2013  |  31 mins 53 secs

    Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?

  • Episode 10: Wayne's World

    May 15th, 2013  |  32 mins 35 secs

    So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night.

  • Episode 9: Deadly Towers

    May 2nd, 2013  |  29 mins

    Dick Dagger: It's more than just an incredibly predictable porn star name. It's what you kill things with in this awful game. Join us as we try and talk about anything and everything but this atrocity.

  • Episode 8: Jurassic Park

    April 17th, 2013  |  34 mins 7 secs

    Hey there, Clever Girls... are you ready to have a prepubescent crush on Laura Dern? We thought so. There really isn't a great Jurassic Park game, but the Genesis one is made of human butt.

  • Episode 7: Home Improvement

    April 2nd, 2013  |  45 mins 6 secs

    Auuegh!? What we need now is more power. Wilson is across the fence, and we should mow him down with our Binford=Taylor Hedge Trimmers, because that's the only way to the truth about what happened in my tragic head injury.