Abject Suffering
Why are you doing this to us?
About the show
This is a podcast that's nominally about bad games. In reality, it's about the horror of daily life, GameFAQs Gold, strange combatants in the battle of Good vs. Evil, and a singular patriarch known only as Crick. Every Monday, Gary Butterfield and Kole Ross choose a game at random from the titles submitted by listeners, play it, and venture off on a freeform discussion that winds between the topic at hand, and the absurd.
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Episode List
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Episode 25: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
December 8th, 2013 | 35 mins 25 secs
Captain Planet takes a cut of the proceeds, and buys them all 40's of Old English to share. He sleeps in an unadorned firetrap apartment and no longer fears death.
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Episode 24: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
November 24th, 2013 | 29 mins 33 secs
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are just like this glass. Once, they didn't exist. Then they started existing. And then they didn't stop existing. The NES game is an artifact of that violent cultural birth. Also, it doesn't really belong here, except it's kind of flickery and a little too hard.
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Episode 23: Mission: Impossible
November 10th, 2013 | 39 mins 45 secs
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take this container of Vaseline, and smear it all over these Doritos. Just really get it in there. That's right. Rub it real good. Now stack them up and press your face into it.
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Episode 22: Friday the 13th
October 27th, 2013 | 35 mins 49 secs
If people don't stop having sex, then the human race is done for. The church has done all it can, but it's not enough. We must instead turn to our masked vigilante saviors to stop this sexy, sexy scourge once and for all.
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Episode 21: Home Alone
October 13th, 2013 | 34 mins 40 secs
Home Alone was written by John Hughes. So were a bunch of other movies. He was a fixture, and then he just went away. Was he aware of this game? Did he conceive of the stereotyped mobsters that are in it?
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Episode 20: Ren and Stimpy Space Cadet Adventures
September 29th, 2013 | 37 mins 57 secs
How can you capture something as fucking nutso as Ren and Stimpy in a game? We spend about 35 minutes figuring out that you can't do it with a monochrome spaceship where Log attacks you.
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Episode 19: Mohawk and Headphone Jack
August 28th, 2013 | 35 mins 22 secs
We're somewhat convinced that Michael designed Mohawk and Headphone Jack specifically to be as unappealing as possible. Good job, Michael. You broke us.
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Episode 18: Captain Skyhawk
August 28th, 2013 | 32 mins 37 secs
We don't contend with mediocrity that often. So far, the closest we got was Pac Man 2, and that doesn't really count since it's so weird. Captain Skyhawk doesn't really belong here.
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Episode 17: Bubsy II
August 14th, 2013 | 35 mins 57 secs
This is the singularity that happens when 1000 bad ideas try and cram their way into a premise that isn't promising. This is our first mascot platformer... any why not live life to the hilt?
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Episode 16: Road Runner's Death Valley Rally
July 31st, 2013 | 37 mins 14 secs
Kole has become unstuck in time. This is the epicenter of his primary dissonance: how can he be a 26 year old man, but appreciate Road Runner cartoons and Nick at Nite?
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Episode 15: Where's Waldo?
July 17th, 2013 | 33 mins 47 secs
Saving Private Ryan started out as a Where's Waldo film adaptation. True fact. But Spielberg descended into the heart of darkness, gradually turning Martin Handford's whimsical vision into a twisted hellscape of severed limbs and broken hearts.
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Episode 14: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker
July 2nd, 2013 | 32 mins 21 secs
Michael Jackson put out a game where the objective is to collect as many children as possible. Don't worry, we make the obvious jokes as soon as possible. We continue the streak of Abject Suffering games about known sex offenders.
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Episode 13: The Uncanny X-Men
June 19th, 2013 | 30 mins 57 secs
It's an allegory for all of mankind's struggle for equality. What if you were born different? What if everyone was afraid of you? What if you were the worst NES game Abject Suffering has played yet?
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Episode 12: Spellcraft
June 5th, 2013 | 34 mins 44 secs
There aught to be a Chick Tract about Spellcraft. It tells you the reagents and processes necessary to do such awful things as Much to Stone and Return Home. What's this you say? You joust demons? I'll not hear of it.
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Episode 11: Pac Man 2
May 29th, 2013 | 31 mins 53 secs
Routine errands beckon to you in a non-maze-like world. You are being mocked by a capricious god whose only mechanical means of influencing you are temptation and punishment. Can you feed your child and get to your finger-licious reward?
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Episode 10: Wayne's World
May 15th, 2013 | 32 mins 35 secs
So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night.